Since my beloved LSU Tigers were on a bye this week, I had to get my fill of the Bayou Bengals by telling as many PAX as I could about the astonishing, record-setting LSU passing offense that has, at long last, brought the Tigers out of the football Stone Age. I’d like to thank the PAX for their forbearance, though to be honest, they should be thanking me for the value of the knowledge that I imparted.
Now I want to memorialize it here so that even those not fortunate enough to attend can still bask in the purple and gold. For those who (understandably) want more stats and context, please check the national rankings here. Spoiler: QB Jeaux Burreaux (you might call him Joe Burrow) and boys are killing it.
Warm Up
SSH x 29: 29 reps to honor Joe Brady, the new 29-year-old LSU passing game coordinator hired from the Saints
Willie Mays Hayes x 10
Imperial walker x 17: the 17 reps were to honor the instant classic 3rd and 17 play the Tigers faced late in the Texas game, where instead of running the ball, forcing Texas to use its final timeout, punt and play defense while up six points, they threw downfield for a 61-yard TD that sealed the game. See this oral history for more. You know you want to!
High knees: 45 secs (encouraged PAX to imagine they were kneeing Nick Saban in groin, which some astutely noted wouldn’t be especially “high”)
Arm circles, forward/reverse, keep arms up
Overhead clap x 20, keep arms up: this was to help simulate refs making “TD” signal
Seal clap x 20
Merkins with a twist, IC (this is a merkin, right arm up, merkin, left arm up as one rep)
The Thang, Part I
One key to the new LSU passing game is attacking with patterns at all three levels—short, intermediate, and deep. Thus we repped:
– Short: end line to goal box, 5 burpees; back to end line, 10 merkins
– Intermediate: run to top of penalty box, 10 burpees; back to end line, 20 merkins
– Deep: run to midfield stripe, 15 burpees; back to end line, 29 merkins (for Joe Brady, who actually turned 30 last week but it sounds cooler to say he’s 29)
The Thang, Part II
LSU’s quick-strike offense means covering the field in as few as three plays. You gotta hustle. So we did.
– Start at end line. Run to top of box, 17 monkey humpers (for 3rd and 17), 10 WW IIs
– Run from top of box to midfield, 17 monkey humpers, 10 WW IIs
– Run from midfield to end line, 17 monkey humpers, 10 WW IIs. Then end zone celebration of your choice. I actually meant something like the Ickey Shuffle or Billy “White Shoes” Johnson, but Cosmo ambitiously did celebratory burpees. Hey, you do you
The Thang, Part III
We learned some Cajun spellings. For instance, it’s not “Go Tigers,” it’s “Geaux Tigers.” Our gunslinger QB is “Jeaux Burreaux,” not “Joe Burrow.” Notice the words ending in “-eaux.” Thus we did exercises starting with those letters.
E: Empty wheelbarrow: Basically a crab walk with legs elevated. Since we didn’t have even numbers, though, we just did some crab-walking.
A: Alligator merkins. Because LSU plays the Florida Gators in a few weeks, and also because rival receivers get alligator arms when they go over the middle against LSU, aka DBU. This is essentially a walking merkin.
U: Up-downs. A football classic. Run in place, when I say down, you go down, then up and run in place until I say “down” again, rinse and repeat.
X: X’s and O’s. Found this in the Exicon. You make an “X” by spreading out your arms and legs like an “X,” keeping them all six inches off the ground. When the Queaux says “O,” you pull in your arms and legs like a ball. Alternate between X’s and O’s upon command.
The Thang, Part IV
You could think of this LSU offense as basketball on grass. So we took things to the basketball court. There, we learned that every position has a role to play to make the offense click.
– Line play is essential. You have to get low, use your hands, and move your feet. Thus, we bear crawled from baseline to baseline
– Receivers have been playing great. On some catches, they’ve practically been standing on their head. Thus: balls to the wall
– While on the wall, we mixed in some people’s chair, because even young players and backups who are currently sitting on the bench, waiting their turn, are a valuable part of the team. The people’s chair teaches patience and discipline [Full disclosure: I totally made up this explanation on the spot. You’re welcome]
– Jeaux Burreaux: To honor a QB who makes quick and accurate decisions, the PAX needed to choose between one of three exercises: merkins, jump squats, or flutters. When I said “Hut,” the PAX had to quickly switch to another of the 3 exercises of their choice. They didn’t necessarily need to do all 3, but they needed to change to a different one at each “Hut.” Choose wisely!
Mary
Burpees: 1, 2, and then 6 to honor the numbers of LSU’s three starting receivers—JaMarr Chase, Justin Jefferson, and Terrace Marshall
LBCs
American Hammer
Box cutter
Heels to heaven
X’s and O’s, back by “popular” demand
Announcements: The Bull is coming! Prayer requests: Cosmo asked for positive thoughts for Dean Wormer, who has been training hard for his first ruck event, and the PAX who will accompany him. Site chaplain Crockett took us out.
Geaux Tigers!