Post-Olympic hangovers can be tough, what with no football to watch and four long years before your next chance to cheer on the Red, White, and Blue. That said, there”s no reason why we can”t compete for glory in the meantime. In this spirit, The Vortex proudly hosts an Olympic competition to determine the best bunny-hoppers, bear-crawlers, and traveling burpee-men in all the land.
The beauty of the Vortex Olympics is that if you don”t shine in the sprints or the distance running, take heart: you can still bring home balls-to-the-wall gold for your country. In fact, YHC had one goal for the day. While leaving his abode this AM, his M snuck out into the morning garage gloom and whispered softly yet ever so firmly, “BRING US ONE-LEGGED BEAR-CRAWL GOLD!”
OPENING CEREMONIES:

• One lap
• SSH
• Mountain Climbers
• Merkins
• Wille Mays Hayes
• Windmills

The Vortex Olympic Events*:

• The bear-crawl (many wondered why Beano wasn”t here to compete. A doping scandal?)
• The bunny-hop (YHC knew we were in trouble when he realized Troller had been cupping for this race)
• The lunge walk (Big Cat trounced the field with a Ledecky-like lead at the end)
• The traveling burpee (Bushwood with a dive at the finish line to take gold)
• The one-legged bear crawl (YHC has a proud M, but seriously, not really)
• The crawl-bear (many feel this should not be an Olympic event, similar to how many feel towards curling or trampoline)
• The short-distance sprint (must go to the tape to see who took gold; too close to tell)
• The long-distance sprint (close to 200 yards, Dodger cruises to victory)
• The long-distance run (two laps around both fields; Assisi wins gold with time to spare)
• The Merkin contest (AMRAP with those who tap out finishing Merkins on their knees); Assisi wins gold
• Balls-To-The-Wall (YHC wins gold but must remember to breathe during this exercise)
• The Vortex Ultra Medley (50 yards of four different exercises: sprint, bear-crawl, bunny-hop, sprint); People”s Chair for finishers. YHC wins gold.
• The Vortex Super Medley (50 yards of four different exercises: crawl-bear, traveling burpee, backwards run, sprint); People”s chair for finishers. Assisi wins gold

*Most events were 32 yards (”18 to mid-field) assuming the field is 100 yards long. As Olympians finished most events, they paid homage to the state of Maryland – which brought home more gold medals than any other state – by crab-walking until all PAX had finished.
CLOSING CEREMONIES:

• 50 flutter kicks
• 25 Russian hammers
• 25 Freddie Mercuries
• 25 J-Los
• Low plank hold for 30 seconds

Individual participants are encouraged to claim their medals in the comments below. YHC apologizes if anyone feels snubbed because their gold medal performance didn”t get enough coverage. Not every event can be the one-legged bear-crawl (similar to the 100-meter dash), right? Actually, it just means I was too far behind to get a good glimpse at the finish. Maybe in four years” time we”ll have some actual medals and a proper podium?
Moleskine:

• Prayers to Cheese Splint”s Father-in-Law, who is in the hospital after a terrible car accident. Thoughts and prayers to the entire Cheese Splint crew.
• Second F this Thursday at The Crunkleton in Chapel Hill
• New Durham workout soft launch next Tuesday, 8/30 at 5:30 at Forest Hills Park