YHC is site Q for House of Pain workout in Durham. Part of my responsibility is announcing the Q each week in our AO’s slack channel. Earlier this year, I announced the Q via a short poem just to be silly, and to encourage folks to attend the next workout. It grew to a weekly tradition, the poems got longer and crazier. Some are originals, most are famous songs were I’ve changed the lyrics. As 2019 ends, I’m sharing the year’s #HouseofPain weekly poems
Bells Q
He’s a rolling thunder, but no forecast of rain
He’s bringing the heat to the House of Pain
He’s taking no prisoners, a beatdown for sure
Making Subprime and his Q look like an amateur
So bring your A game and get ready to boogie
Or pull up the covers, and fart sack with Doogie
The PAX are asking if it’s the workout from hell
Can driftwood make a shoe smell?
Yeah, your Q is @bells
Subprime Q
Here’s a little story, I’ve got to tell
About the best Wednesday workout you know so well
Doogie still whining, asking for a rhyme
This week’s Q is the legendary subprime
Cruising and bruising all the way from Orange County
Traveling hard, like a Canadian Mountie
So come for the beat down, you know you want to see
2ply and elf – are we doing EC?
Botched Q
Guess who’s Qing at Casa de Pain?
Our good buddy Botched- so pop the champagne
He’s bringing it, swinging it and making a racket
Just like the sergeant in “Full Metal Jacket”
Think you can hang? Do you have what it takes?
Come to the House, but expect no breaks
Spread the news, while Exchange hits the snooze
Do EC and light the fuse. Time to sing the beat down blues
JUCO Q
All right stop, log into slack and listen
JUCO is back with a brand new invention
Merkins, bear crawls, and burpees
Time to work, so put down the slurpee
Will he ever stop? Yo, I don’t know
So pick up the six and let’s go
To the extreme, he Qs the House like a vandal
Circle up and work the abs like a candle
Deadly, when he starts the side shuffle hop
End of the warm-up, yo – sweatervest grab a mop
If there was a problem, yo he’ll solve it
So check out Mary, while the Q revolves it
Juco, Juco, baby
Avalanche Q
Brace yourself, high and low
Get ready to blow. It’s a Q-nado
Hurricane? Flood? Tsunami? No, just Avalanche
But he’s bringing the pain, you can bet the ranch
He’s dealing it, steeling it – better check yourself
Getting it done, picking up the slack from Elf
It will be brutal, you will be sore
But at least you won’t hear the Alabama-Clemson score
So come and see the crew on Garret Road
While elf sleeps, the other PAX will carry the load!
Cosmo Q
What time is it? Nearly time to go!
You’re in for a treat, the Q is cosmo
You say it’s your birthday? It’s his birthday too
Bringing some candles and a spanking or two
Older than Coxswain, younger than Nails
Bending steel ‘til your muscles doth fail
Come join the House of Pain nation
While doogie and riggs continue hibernation
Shake It Q
ShakeIt’s going back to the House, the House, the House of Pain
ShakeIt’s going back to the House … I don’t think so
ShakeIt’s going back to the House –
Returning, burning, yearning
But the Pax are still learning
Island hopping, deuce dropping
Grab the Garmin, hit run
Warm-Up is starting, but 2Ply is still farting
Good Lord, somebody light a match
Loonie is burly, the Exchange is surly
Where the hell is OPEC?
Doogie is sleeping, Elf is weeping
But the main event is coming soon
We’ll be pushing some steel, keeping it real
Bring a towel cuz damn, this humidity is real
EC running through the Sweatervest ‘hood
Googling dewpoint and it doesn’t look good
So round up the PAX, no time to relax
Tomorrow’s Q is Shake it and he’s pushing us to the max
Elf Q
The time is nearly here, better check yourself
Who has the Q? None other than elf
He’s been pushing it hard since the days of tuco
Never skipping EC, unlike my man juco
Elf is old and slow, but he’s ruthless like Khaleesi
The rhymes are coming fast, I’m the lyrical assisi
Working on something special, you’ll feel the hurt
Tough and intense, like the Falcon Q by yurt
Running, steel and burpees before departin’
Is that crimson’s picture on an HoP milk carton?
The beatdown will be swift, but no need to fear
Elf is leading, while cosmo holds his beer
I’m cranking up the hype, trying to get a laugh
Is this poem still going? Time to switch to decaf
Now I’ve set the tempo and it’s time to take roll
Penciling in subprime, bananasplit and stopdropandroll
Who’s in for EC? Somebody bring a lamp
Wild night in Durham, so don’t wait up for @champ
JUCO Q
I hear juco’s Qing, he’s coming around the bend
knope ain’t been to HoP since I don’t know when
I’m contemplating EC, led by sweatervest
If he ain’t coming, I guess we’ll just head west
Juco’s been on vacation, sipping cocktails on the Lake
So maybe he’ll go easy, but I know my bones will ache
I won’t feel my arms and the Q will be dragging on
I’m praying for a floyd plank until Mary is done
I’ll bet he’s got something special, a beat down just for us
Excuse me for a minute, while I check my thesaurus
So come out tomorrow, be sure to spread the word
To come and get your butt kicked, at the Church of the Good Shepherd
Driftwood Q
This week’s Q always has our back
But I don’t believe that he is ever on slack
A woodchuck would chuck wood if he could
But can I talk smack on slack behind the back of driftwood?
Who am I now? Dr. Seuss?
Running my mouth like I’m at the Moose
I guess I’ll move on to the other PAX
Did you all really think that you could relax?
I just hope and pray that this week’s Q shows
Unlike last week whose Qsack you know
I could Q again if I had to, of course
With an unrequested assist from Prancing Horse
But Driftwood will be there, he can set an alarm clock
And after all, he lives down the block!
And OPEC punted the goat Q to beano
Which I thought would be keen-o
But we ran so hard I could taste my spleen-o
That’s a different site, bringing it back to the Pain
Come for the beat down in sunshine or rain
Maestro is an HC
But his hair is a DC
Is anyone interested in a 5K EC?
Pedialyte Q
Eat your Wheaties and get yourself right
Tomorrow’s Q is @Pedialyte
He’ll work you hard, make your muscles big
Unless you stay home and cuddle with @doogie and @riggs
Summer break is over and school is in session
So grab some steel, and get ready for your lesson
The forecast is nice – cloudy and cool
Come for the beat down, don’t be a fool!
Doogie Q
Tomorrow’s Q is an unlikely suspect
Just like Rodney, he gets no respect
But when he shows, his Qs are legit
But that doesn’t mean I’ll quit giving him …
Doogie, Doogie, Doogie, can’t you see?
Sometimes your Qs just exhaust me
We all know you like to sleep late
But I know tomorrow’s Q will be great
Despite DCing, he’s in spartan condition
Slack and smack talking from the fetal position
He’ll carry the PAX like a kangaroo with a pouch
Or maybe he’ll be asleep on the couch
He’s always working hard, you know he’s no slacker
But when it comes to HoP – habitual fart sacker
Show up tomorrow to join the fun
But misery may be Qing at 5:31
Either way, you know he’ll never bore us
Hit me once more with the doogie chorus
Doogie, Doogie, Doogie, can’t you see?
Sometimes your Qs just exhaust me
We all know you like to sleep late
But I know tomorrow’s Q will be great
Set the alarm doogie so you can show ‘em
I’ve been so excited to write a doogie poem
He’ll work us so hard I may need a gurney
While Elf and 2Ply plank like Bert and Ernie
They’re too old for Bobby Hurleys, time for Mike Gminskis
With a possible appearance from sodapopinski ?
Come to the House, you never know what you’ll see
An doogie Q with no chance of DC
Assisi Q
Tomorrow’s Q is one of the original Gs
Bringing the pain, it’s our man assisi
He’s fast and strong but still so polite
But when he unleashes his Q, you’ll feel a tinge of fright
Faster than shakeit and can bench press a Honda
Bring you’re A game, this workout ain’t by Fonda
So round up the PAX, and wake up elf
Set the alarm and prepare yourself
Maestro Q
Tomorrow’s workout will be all that
Maestro is bringing it in the key of C Flat
While prepping his Q, he had an epiphany
Composing a beat down like a Mozart symphony
You’ll be working harder than juco’s alarm clock
So wake up elf and gather the flock
Let’s circle the wagons, and meet at the range
And predict the excuses coming from theexchange
Yunus Q
Yunus has the Q, I’ll know you’ll be glad
Unless you’re sipping lattes with richardsimmons and his dad
He’ll make you work hard, see exhibita
So Warriors – come out and play
Show up tomorrow, the PAX need your support
Don’t show up like cosmo – on the missing person’s report
Yunus is the teacher and a beatdown is the course
With self appointed assistant prancing horse
OPEC Q
When I wake up, people take up nearly all of my time
Some chump who never posts always asking for a rhyme
Verbal beat downs I’m doing – mad lyrics always spewing
While some unnamed PAX are always backseat Qing
Tomorrow celebrates F3 Churham’s emergence
Folks are going to Ramses for a big ole convergence
If you’ve never been, it’s a sight to behold
I highly recommend it, before you get old
If you want HoP, and theexchange could be lurking
OPEC is Qing and bringing some jackass merkins
Misery Q
And now, it’s my time to Q
And so I face the HoP crew
Elf has been freed from Ecuador
Yet doogie and 2ply still ask for more
There will be burpees, painful and long
You’ll laugh, you’ll cry but you will get strong
I did it my way
Regrets, I’ve had a few
Only so many poems, what’s misery to do?
I’m calling EC, we’ll run through the boonies
Led by sweatervest, with yunus and loonie
You’ll feel the pain, perhaps by osmosis
We’ll work the steel, strength training through cosmosis
I write for the people, the laureate of slack
Yet still so many, like snots will fartsack
I’m running out of lines, this may be as good as it gets
So bring your weary, your deadbeats, perhaps the return of sweats ?
You may yell or complain, or even scoff
But nails may be the only PAX, who knows which song I’ve ripped off
Champ and Assisi Q
It takes 2 to Q House of Pain
Champ and Assisi are gonna make it rain
They’ll work you hard and make your muscles pop
While theexchange does curls at the coffee shop
It’s almost Halloween and you may get a fright
If you see the ghost of pedialyte
Champ warms it up, it’ll start to bake
Then assisi flips it like pancake
Enough of the talking, time to roll
EC 5K at 5:00, who is paying the toll?
Doogie Q
Guess who’s back? Back again.
Doogie’s back. Tell a friend.
Strange things are afoot at House of Pain
Champ crossed the county line and doogie’s Qing again
Old timers like riggs and chachi are back, it’s no fad
While young guns like richardsimmons and tok are bringing their dad
Exhibit A and Pancake always prove their worth
Shake It couldn’t cut it, so we sent him up north
So come tomorrow, doogie won’t fartsack
If you’re interested in EC, let us know on slack
JUCO Q
Juco has the Q, after crushing Ragnar
Nails may be late cuz he’s partying with Mick Jagger
Wait, check it out there’s a co-Q – it’s coxswain
So double the pain, and work out the toxins
Tomorrow’s weather will be cool and breezy
elf and 2ply are moving EC like George and Wheezie
Last week’s numbers were way too few
I’ve seen more PAX at an OPEC Q
It’s time to get fit, step away from the hibachi
After last week’s flutter kicks, Joanie doesn’t love f3chachi
Forget the steel, assisi curls a Honda
Prepare yourself, juco’s and coxswain workout ain’t by Fonda
Get there early, you know what to do
Botched and avalanche – set the alarm and assemble the crew
Loonie Q
Are you tired? Slow? Weak or puny?
I’ve got the medicine – Q by loonie
No rain is foretold so come out pronto
No whining about the cold, the Q is from Toronto
The workout’s legit, nothing is phony
Coming at you hard, like a souped-up Zamboni
While 2ply lays in the fetal position
Join loonie and misery to improve your condition
Burpees, steel and merkins a-plenty
Then knope announces the Bull – 2020
yunus may show because he’s no slouch
While doogie modifies – on the couch
4 year in F3, elf now has his beatdown degree
But will he show for a 5K EC?
Don’t miss House of Pain, it would be a shame
Body by Loonie – you’ll never be the same
Yurt Q
Early Wednesday morning, you know what to do
House of Pain workout, for yurt’s Q
Driftwood and sweatervest don’t have far to roam
While 2ply resides in the F3 retirement home
Burn those calories, you all know why
Turkey, football and in-laws – oh my
Hear elf spin stories about his monsoon spartan
While avalanche poses … on an HoP milk carton
Dial Up Q
HoP is a-coming, time to get riled up
This week’s Q is none other than dialup
Merkins, burpees or maybe a bear crawl
He’s F3 Santa Claus, bringing a beatdown for all
It’ll be a rough Q but he’d never impugn us
Who is up for EC? – some company for @yunus
I’ve given up on @avalanche, 2ply and elf
But maybe riggs will get taken off of the shelf
The weather will be crisp but otherwise fine
I’ll likely be there, but JUCO tried to break me on Lone Pine
Sodapopinski Q
Top 10 things that I am thankful for (Thanksgiving post)
10. Doogie. The highest % slack post (1000+) to workout post (2) in F3 history.
9. The PAX. Before F3, I never thought that I would respect a guy named after a roll of toilet paper or get talked into a spartan by someone named @elf and my little pony. Only in F3. I love it
8. Amphibious. He forever changed my Wednesdays with one offhand comment while I was receiving an assisi beatdown at vortex. Hey Misery, you should check out House of Pain. It’s a great site.
7. Sweatervest. Without him, I might still be running through Garret Farms, lost. Also, I would never get to experience the secondhand pain of being a Browns fan.
6. MLP for his fearlessness. No spartan too far, no weight too heavy. And not afraid to make a tragi-comic attempt at Q poetry.
5. The entire HoP gang. I have been inspired by every single person who has posted at HoP. From exhibita’s and yurt’s first post to becoming the F3 studs they are today to assisi’s breaking speed records and telling me I sweat too much. It’s truly an impressive group, and the reason I keep posting.
4. Knope. From weekly Bull, baseball and 2nd f announcements to his 1st F leadership and strive to doing the right thing. Whenever someone asks knope to Q, he always gives the same answer: “Yes, and what day can you Q honeybadger?” This response is both effective (I don’t ask him that much) and enlightening. I wouldn’t have gone to honeybadger if not pushed by knope, and it’s become one of my favorite sites.
3. OPEC. I remember fondly the old days when he used to post at HoP
2. Theexchange. Disregard. That was a typo.
1. This week’s Q – sodapopinski. Rumbling, bumbling, stumbling all the way from North Durham, where shakeit works out after receiving excommunicado from HoP. Sometimes, a site Q has to make tough choices.
Exhibit A’s Q
You better watch out
You better not cry
Better not fartsack
I’m telling you why
Exhibita is coming to town
He’s composing a beatdown
Checking it twice
Gonna lead the PAX
Without theexchange’s advice
Exhibita is the Q for you clowns
He knows when 2ply is sleeping
He knows when elf partied late
He knows when knope is loafing
So you better use beano’s weights
Oh you better watch out
Cosmo better not ruck
The workout on Wednesday
Will be good for you schmucks
Exhibita is throwing a beatdown this week
So you better get your rest
Get to the Q on time
Run the EC led by sweatervest
Exhibita is your Q on Wednesday!!!
Misery Q – New Year’s Day
House of Pain End of Year awards. Also know as the Miseries
Mother In Law award – @theexchange. Offers his advice to the Q, whether they want it or not. Never completely satisfied and usually has a drink in his hand during the holiday workouts.
Ironman award – @knope. 1,000 consecutive posts when advertising the Bull. Oct 31, 2020 and Oct 24, 2021 if you are interested.
80s flashback award @yurt for posting while wearing a Members Only jacket. Runner Up: @elf for wearing the leg warmers from Flash Dance.
Charlie award – named after the title character in Charlie’s Angels, @doogie is often heard but never seen. @riggs offered to accept this award in @doogie’s absence. Then, @botched accepted it since @riggs didn’t show up either.
Doogie award – @2ply. This award goes to the person who most embodied Doogie’s workout and posting dedication in 2019. We’ll just drop this award in the mail.
Chuck Norris award – @loonie. Like the Total Gym equipment that Chuck pitches, @loonie has a full gym in the back of his SUV. Also, @loonie was once bitten by a rattlesnake and after 3 days of excruciating pain, the rattlesnake died.
Silent but Deadly (SBD) award – @driftwood. A man of few words (and possibly the only man of few words at HoP) who always brings it. Or used to anyway. Just don’t pull his finger.
Leap Year award – @f3chachi for consistently posting … once every four years
Nigel Tufnel award – @juco because his workouts go to 11
Paul Michael Glaser award @bitcoin. Also known as the Ben Stiller award.
Die Hard award – @assisi who has Q’d at House of Pain every year since it started in 2017. Honorable mention to @riggs who Q’d every year except 2018 and 2019 (and 2020 – I’ll go out on a limb).
Jon Snow award – @shakeit was banished to the Night Wall north Durham after the “island hopping” incident. The prodigal son returns this week