The lights flicker across each large field, the tennis courts, and the Dancing Man Pavilion. This time, they do not fade. You encounter 9 PAX as you descend upon Forest Hills Park on a gloomy yet delightfully crisp September morning. Some PAX wear sturdy gloves; yet some are gloveless, one is shirtless, none is heartless. There is one PAX no one has seen before but hails from a far away land called Lynchburg, VA, home of Jerry Falwell, among others. One unspeakably handsome, charismatic, and daring PAX calls the group to order and begins the workout. Your choices are:
A: Run home and cry like a baby
B: Warm up
YOU CHOOSE B
Setting: The Dance Circle
Angagonist(s): SSH, Imperial Walker, Arm Circles, Merkins, Mountain Climbers, Wille Mays Hayes
Handsome and daring PAX starts mumbling something about following him through a “Bearway” to a “Danger Zone.” Your choices are:
A: Scream in Kenny Loggins” voice and lyrics, “BEARWAY TO…THE..DANGER ZONE!” and line up on the end line of the tennis courts ready to dominate said danger zone.
B: Jump into Troller”s arms and ask him to pet you like a golden retriever.
YOU CHOOSE A
The Bearway to the Danger Zone
Setting: Tennis courts
You stare down the challenge of a four-court bear crawl suicide with 10 Carolina Dry Docks at the end of each court and 10 double Merkin burpees upon return to the baseline each time. You think to yourself, “the bearway to the danger zone is just a euphemistic way to bottle up terrible exercises and make them sound cool and disarming, and I”m cool with that.” You make it through the challenge with your head held high, wondering why bears are so fat if crawling is so hard.
Handsome and daring PAX somehow gets handsomer and more daring and asks you to mosey to the big oak tree for some seal crawls. Your choices are:
A: Holler, “Run away, everyone! Save yourself. This man has gone MAD!”
B: Shed a tear for your shoulder muscles, carry a heavy heart for your shattered core, but man up and give your best effort seal crawling atop the morning dew.
YOU CHOOSE B
Seal Your Fate
Setting: The Big Oak
You seal crawl down to the big oak tree and back while your partner gets his Swerkin” on (a Merkin on a swing with a knee up). The wet grass reminds you of your childhood, waking up and running around in the front yard with your dog. Unfortunately, the seal crawl reminds you of your childhood as well when you were bullied by someone strong and mean and you wanted nothing more than for the pain to end.
Handsome pax is at it again and leads you over to the Dancing Man Pavilion for some dead hangs. Your choices are:
A: Yell, “This ”aint no dance party I want to be a part of. I”m going back to Vortex.”
B: Prance over the pavilion, dab once or twice, and get ready for the hang of your life.
YOU CHOOSE B
Hang on for Dear Life
Setting: Dancing Man Pavilion
You proceed to dead hang (2 60 second hangs), Dip (2 sets of 50) and box jump (20 OYO) and step up (10 each leg OYO). The duality of the human experience in this setting strikes you. Not 24 hours prior, kids were rejoicing around these picnic tables eating cupcakes and swigging Ecto Coolers. Now, you sweat, you hurt, and you just wish you had fartsacked. Can”t be too much longer now.
Handsome PAX, dreamier than ever, walks you around the corner and politely asks half of your crew to put their balls. ON. THAT. WALL. Your choices are:
A: Grab your balls and take them home with you.
B: Shout, “My balls are your balls, and on that wall they go!”
AGAIN, YOU CHOOSE B
Nobody Puts Baby in a Corner, but on a Wall..
Setting: Dancing Man Pavilion Wall
You proceed to BTTW while your partner does 5 burpees, 10 merkins and 10 squats. Then you switch with him and return the favor. X2. Daybreak. Hope springs eternal again. And it”s a good thing because the center could not hold for much longer.
The most handsomest PAX you”ve ever seen tells you it”s time for Mary. He asks you to the dance circle. Your choices are:
A: Refuse his polite request and go down in infamy as a traitor and a quitter.
B: Take his hand in fitness matrimony and live happily ever after
YOU CHOOSE B
Epilogue:
Setting: The Dance Circle
You end with a smattering of flutter kicks, box cutters, planks with arm raises, and Russian Hammers. You remember a time when innocence was not lost. That time was 45 minutes ago. Then you remember that you”re better, stronger, and faster now, and wow that Q was handsome, wasn”t he?
Moleskine: Welcome FNG Falwell. Great second beta test for our new Tuesday AO. Can”t wait to continue the tour.
Good luck to all PAX competing in 1) the Heavy 2) the Spartan and 3) the BRR this week/weekend. Stay strong, stay healthy, stay safe.