The Gambler IV. It’s an obvious backblast title. However, this special event now deserves a subtitle – The Legend of MonteCristo. Believe me, dear readers, I wish this written word could truly do justice to this Legend that is MonteCristo. Thankfully, there were a dozen other mortals present, and they now bear the ability, and dare I say, the obligation and duty to remember and educate others about the epic events that transpired during this illustrious CSAUP.
The morning started like those of most other Gamblers – a bit of a mix of excitement and trepidation for what lay ahead. Men slowly but steadily pulled into the parking lot. The first arrival was none other than the one and only Deep Dish. He was followed shortly by fellow HIMs Spooky and Montecristo. The hairs on the back of YHC’s neck began to tingle with anticipation. Soon, we had eleven men standing and stretching in the Gambler Gloom. However, we had two very noticeable absentees: Nighthawk, who was to be Qing on the workouts, and Bright Idea, our reigning champion. Thankfully, each pulled in at NASCAR-worthy speeds, and we officially commenced the Gambler IV.
A quick safety / operations brief followed by a typical warm-up and off we went. And here, dear readers, MC proved his indefatigable wisdom. Despite struggling with a strained back, MC not only showed up for these shenanigans, but the gangsta gamed the game. He busted out his motorized scooter and tagged right along.
Workout 1 (BC Park) – Nighthawk.
First stop was only about a ¼ mile away at the Briar Chapel Park. Nighthawk led us over to the pavilion for a mix of a few rounds of bench exercises (irkins, dips, derkins, step ups). Next, he let all of our inner kids out for joyride on the tot lot slides. Nighthawk concluded his portion with a good, ole-fashioned game of whiffle ball with penalty burpees. Lots of fond memories were then made: Deep Dish pitching and taking a heater into this thigh. Nighthawk swinging so hard that he did a complete 360 before his feet flew up into the air and he landed promptly on this six. Zook then achieved one of his bucket list items when we caught Nighthawk’s foul ball. I guarantee Zook still be talking about it. And mutha-flipping DeWater hit the only dinger. The men got some quizzical stares from some of the arriving lacrosse moms, so of course we moved to the parking lot and knocked out some Johnny Dramas and Monkey Humpers. The men then drew their first card and moved out to the second workout.
Workout 2 (The Thicket) – Chum
Chum led the group of heathens back to the Thicket and down to the rarely utilized big grassy field behind the school. In a rather serendipitous layout, there was a cross country track mowed through the grass. We then formed two lines and did some series of relays. There were four stations: abs, block, lower body, and upper body. The block station was the timer; once a man completed that station, he moved to the lower body station and relieved the man there, who then moved to the upper body station and relieved the man there, who then sprinted back to the start. Round 1 was FK, 10xThrusters, Lunges, and Hand-Release Merkins; mode of travel between stations was Bear Crawl (which Chum failed to mention until right when we commenced and thus earned some angry glares and verbal pleasantries). Round 2 was Gas Pumps, 10xCurls, Squats, and Dry Docks; mode of travel was crab walk. Round three was J-Los, 5xBlockees, Prisoner Squats, and HRM with Shoulder Taps; mode of travel was crawl bear. As the men drew their second card, we made a note that we had found some of the Thicket’s trusty bricks that had disappeared (they were behind the gazebo).
Workout 3 (Great Meadows Park) – DeWater
MC’s scooter kept scootering as DeWater led us to the linear park at Great Meadows and then proceeded to kick everyone in the balls. We lined up on the curb line, did merkin variations, then various animal movements across the lawn, repeated the merkin variations on the other side, and returned to the starting point via various animal movements. We had Mike Tyson merkins and sideways bear crawl; spider merkins and crab walk; some crazy plank kick-through thing and bear crawl. And something else and crawl bear, I think. To be honest, I was likely hypoxic at this point. DeWater then attempted to finish everyone off with his coup de grace: the inchworm-scorpion-crouching tiger-hidden dragon-angry beaver-pissed off wombat thing. Chum had to use his powers as official timekeeper to save the herd. Editor’s note: mumblechatter was strangely light during the drawing of the third card.
Workout 4 (Boulder Park) – Splashback
As we secured our gear and prepared to make our way to the next workout, more than one man may have questioned MC about how much battery life his stallion had remaining, along with inquiring about how many men that bad ass scooter could carry. Through the woods and up the hill and we arrived at the bocce courts at Boulder Park. Splashback then led us in the first-ever F3 Bocce Burpee Bonanza. Two-man teams with one ball per team. Closest to the palomino-thing wins, while everyone else got to do increasing amounts of burpees. Bright Idea busted out some Diet Coke and chicken wings from his magic backpack, and then SB led us through a variety of much-appreciated stretches before the men drew their fourth card.
Workout 5 (Constellation Park) – Zook
About a mile down (and up) the road lay Constellation Park. Zook began by sending Nighthawk on a wild goose chase Easter egg hunt. Chuckles ensued. Next, the men lined the walls for some plank-o-rama. Zook then had everyone compete in this bear crawl crash course along with some dips and squats. Everyone survived, but then disappointed Zook by no one knowing about Zook’s inspiration, the movie Stomp The Yard. Thankfully, Zook’s disappointment was somewhat mollified by his domination of Nighthawk during whiffle ball shenanigans from earlier in the event. Some more wall stuff, to include raccoon walk relays across the top of the wall, and then onto the drawing of the fifth card.
Workout 6 (Pollard Middle School) – Montecristo
We had a little over a mile to go to get to the final workout spot. Up the soul-crushing hill near The Wall AO, and then thankfully a gradual downhill to the school. Scooter McGavin kept rolling and pushed us along. We arrived at the school, and Monte dismounted his electric steed. First up was some Broga. To be honest, there was good bit of moaning and grunting during this stuff. Next, Monte deviously employed an Usain Bolt – each man called an exercise for the group to perform while he bear crawled up and crawl beared down the steps to the soccer field. Exercises included FKs, J-Los, Show-der taps (x2), LBCs, Seal Claps, Homer to Marge, maybe some squats. As the last man returned from his trek up and down the stairs, the clouds partly ever so slightly and a ray of light illuminated Monte. He stared down each man as he issued his instructions for the culminating exercise: the Mike Tyson Beast Mode (a MT merkin into a side plank, leg kick through thing). Monte and his superpowers willed energy into the group as he began his cadence counted commands. With each “Beast Mode!” command, the men strengthened. The echoing of commands grew louder and louder. Quickly, the men became the synchronized Hive to the Queen Bee Montecristo, and the harmonious cries of “Beast Mode!” were likely heard all across the great Briar Chapel compound! The men then exhaled. Some may have had that weird post-coitus longing for a cigarette. Bright Idea consumed more chicken wings. Some men opted to turn in a card and draw another. Each man and his five-card hand then returned to The Thicket.
Awards
As Stinky Pete led some cool-down stretching, Chum retrieved the kustom koozies and the comparing of cards commenced. Zook’s two pair easily defeated Chum’s ace. Zook continued around the circle, his strong two pair dominating the hands of the other men. That is, until he reached the last man. Deep Dish stood with a slight, wry smile on his face. Zook strutted up with his two pair, but then Deep Dish casually and confidently displayed his three-of-a-kind, thereby earning the freshly bedazzled trophy belt from reigning champ Bright Idea. Fist bumps, high fives, obligatory closing photo (“Beast Mode!”), and then well-earned burgers and beer at THBB.
COT
I cannot thank everyone enough for the support for this iteration of The Gambler. While the workouts were great, I hope we can all agree that the Fellowship was by far the best part. Dare I say, the Fellowship was Legendary. I sincerely hope everyone had a blast!!